Readiness

Why Does A Split Hurt So Terribly?

Whether you did the breaking up or are the one who got broken up with, you’re going to feel the loss. The scale of this loss will be worse the longer you have been together. There is not any way you can expect to NOT feel a loss. The habits the two of you had will disintegrate whether you like it or not. If your guy always called you on his lunch break, if you only bought American cheese as he liked it, or if the 2 of you mostly went out to brunch on Sun. mornings, you are going to recognise it. If you’re the dumpee, you’re not only going to notice these voids, but they are going to hurt. Just like any habit, it stings to damage it… Often a lot!!

Any person who’s been in love knows it’s a fragile emotion. Those feelings of love didn’t develop overnite. You needed to be prepared to open and let somebody in, and that’s a big deal. You had to trust, and when that trust is betrayed, it’s going to hurt.

When you’re the dumpee, the very first thing you’re likely to do is blame yourself. Immediately you think it’s something you did. You have been refused and NOBODY likes rejection of any type. So when it’s love, the stakes are even higher.

In other cases, a break-up hurts because it was built up to something that it wasn’t ready to be. Ladies tend to try this the most. They rush things along and target the future of the relationship and where it’s going instead of enjoying the moment. When you’re picking out honeymoon locations three months into a relationship, you’re setting yourself up for disaster… And more severe agony. Putting big expectancies where they shouldn’t be is emotionally dangerous.

Naomi Eisenberger, a Varsity of California brain specialist found that the feeling of refusal during a split switches on the same part of the brain as physical agony. The anterior cingulate receives a powerful boost in activity when a person breaks up with you. As far as your brain is concerned, somebody punching you in the nose is as threatening as being rejected in a break-up. So that the pain your feel in a split is involuntary and not something you can control “if only you were stronger”, or “if only you never trusted him in the 1st place”. Sure you can throw off a bloody nose and hold your head proud, however it will still hurt.

Maybe one of the unhealthiest reasons a break up wounds is when you relied on him for your own happiness. This might be hard to recognize, but you are playing with fire if this is right. Your partner’s presence should intensify your happiness not provide it. You have to be satisfied with yourself when you are on your own before it is possible to hope to be cheerful with someone else. If you’re not, you’re not ready for a relationship in the 1st place, let alone getting him back. That’s completely okay… But WAIT. Finding yourself in a rebound relationship in the short-term is way over-rated. It just complicates things.

Karen Holland is a relationship coach and columnist on subjects like how to get your ex back, and popular relationship-healing manuals like the Ex Recovery System.